


STILES: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Omuchgeekery



Series: Omuchgeekery's Owners Guides [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Guide, Humor, Manual, Sorry Not Sorry, be afraid, i had to do this, owner's guide, probably as bad as it seems, user's manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omuchgeekery/pseuds/Omuchgeekery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a STILES STILINSKI unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your STILES will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	STILES: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [CHEKOV: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual](https://archiveofourown.org/works/749204) by [SpirkTrekker42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42). 



A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.  
THIS was inspired by SpirkTrekker42's Nu!Trek manuals (and slightly copied from, eh heh), which are superb and amazing beyond belief.

Also, I feel the need to state that I in no way own Stiles due to the scary growling that is coming from the other side of the door. You guys, I think he found me…

^-^

Stiles: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!  
You are now the proud owner of a STILES STILINSKI unit!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your STILES will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your STILES unit, be sure to show him a decent computer with a good internet connection and let him know where the snacks are. He may also want to know where the nearest library is, but the internet should contain all he usually needs to satisfy his curiosity. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued the proper unit.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: Genim "Stiles" Stilinski  
Age: 16/17  
School: Beacon Hills High  
Hometown: Beacon Hills, California  
Sex: Male  
Manufacturers: Sheriff and Mrs. Stilinski  
Height: 5'11"  
Weight: inital - 147 lbs. however, actual weight may vary due to how unit is used/cared for  
Hair Color: dark brown, but will initially sport a buzz cut  
Eye Color: light brown  
IQ: very very high  
Attention Span: very low (unless faced with something that interests him) (NOTE: the IQ and attention span tend to balance each other out)

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your STILES unit has been designed to be both user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English.  
Remember that your STILES unit is not just adorable; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient/Attention Span:  
As stated earlier, this teen has an unusually high IQ! Unfortunately, he is also easily distracted and tends to exhibit magpie-like tendencies. He can also be incredibly hyper. DO NOT GIVE HIM RITALIN. Ritalin tends to make him more excitable. Perhaps try to give him Vyvanse instead, as it has worked for other units experiencing similar difficulties. (Make sure to have a medical doctor okay this first!) Finding something that interests your STILES will also occupy him for a much longer period of time than something he dislikes.

Combat:  
Your STILES unit is not an effective combatant, but is surprisingly useful in a support role. He does not do well when confronted with pain (EXCEPTION: see "MAMA STILES")

Researching:  
The STILES unit is an exhaustive researcher when it comes to a subject he is interested in or thinks may help someone he holds dear. (This will most likely be the SCOTT unit, the SHERIFF STILINSKI unit, the LYDIA unit, or the DEREK unit.)

Support:  
STILES is (almost) always ready to lend a sympathetic ear, and will also try to make you feel better about yourself by comparing you to himself, often painting himself in a worse light than he should. He may also try to get you drunk, however your STILES is likely to become far drunker than you, being such a lightweight.

Lacrosse:  
STILES is surprisingly capable when it comes to lacrosse. He is much lighter on his feet than most of the other players, and being on the field seems to make him more coordinated.

Mama Stiles:  
The MAMA STILES mode is usually activated by the presence of the ISSAC, ERICA, or BOYD models. When in this mode, STILES' reaction time is incredibly fast, sometimes even exceeding that of certain werewolves. He also loses most of his self-preservation, but this is balanced by strangely heightened abilities and the loss of the ability to back down (except to the DEREK - and possibly an irate/enraged LYDIA - model)

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your STILES will work well with most models. For best results, pair him with a SCOTT unit. They will not form a romantic relationship, but will instead become nearly inseparable. With the exception of the LYDIA model, your STILES will likely show little interest in female models. He seems to be best matched (romantically) with a DEREK model. Your STILES unit tends to have the following modes:  
(a) Friendly  
(b) Suspicious  
(c) Fanboy  
(d) Head over heels  
if allowed ritalin, he may exhibit (e) manic fanboy  
if allowed alcohol, he may exhibit (f) shit-faced drunk (and giggly)  
also, your STILES unit may suddenly switch to (g) MAMA STILES if left in the company of the ISSAC, ERICA, or BOYD units for any length of time.

WARNING: As your STILES unit is underage, it is NOT recommended you allow him access to alcohol.

ACCESSORIES:  
The items with which your STILES comes equipped are tshirt, either a red hoodie or a plaid shirt (depending on what you specified when you ordered him), jeans, sneakers, iPhone, and beloved Jeep.

CLEANING  
How often you need to bathe your STILES depends on how you are using him. Make sure he uses the shower, and that he does not simply jump into the pool fully-clothed!

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your STILES remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your STILES unit can be provided by the DEREK unit, sold separately.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your STILES' energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your STILES:

Food:  
Like any teenage boy, STILES is immensely fond of junk food. However, when placed in proximity of the SHERIFF STILINSKI unit, he will eat more healthily (and force the SHERIFF STILINSKI unit to do so as well). Pizza is always a hit with him.

Drink:  
STILES is willing to accept practically any beverage, though he seems to enjoy soda or chocolate milk the most. DO NOT GIVE YOUR STILES COFFEE. He may try to insist it is fine, but do not believe him.

Sleep:  
Your STILES unit requires less sleep than the average teenage boy, but more than he lets on. For best results, try to make sure he has at least seven hours of sleep a day.

REPROGRAMMING  
The STILES unit can handle most of his own reprogramming (via school, the internet, the DEREK unit, and occasionally the PETER HALE unit, though he may exhibit signs of resentment towards you if the last is not handled properly.)

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the STILES unit, it is essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your STILES:  
-Have your STILES micro-chipped. NURSE MELISSA MCCALL can handle this, though VETERINARIAN ALAN DEATON is more efficient and willing.  
-Do not leave your STILES unattended in public.  
-Do not lend your STILES to anyone (such as a psychopathic uncle)

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My STILES seems to have gained a large bite mark on his shoulder, and the only person who was alone with him was a DEREK unit! Is my STILES going to become a werewolf?  
A: According to most of our research (COUGHfanfictionCOUGH), if things were rather, ah, _hot and heavy_ when he received that bite mark, then it is highly unlikely. What you have seen is either a "courting" mark/mark of intent (stating that DEREK intends on making your STILES his mate) or an actual "mating" mark (marking him as mated to a werewolf).

Q: Why does my STILES randomly lose all coordination and become unable to talk?  
A: Do the times when he loses coordination and the ability to speak coincide with the times he is near a LYDIA model? Being in close proximity to a LYDIA model tends to adversely affect most STILES models. (Don't worry, it only affects how he acts. No actual damage is usually done.)

Q: Why does my STILES keep asking me if I think he's attractive/my brother/male friend thinks he's attractive?  
A: It seems to be a hobby of his.

Q: My STILES had an Economics paper due, but he apparently turned in a lengthy essay on the history of the male circumcision. Is there something wrong with him?  
A: No, he seems to be operating normally.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My STILES keeps hitting on DANNY!  
Solution: Your STILES probably has't seen LYDIA or DEREK in a while (especially DEREK). Put your STILES in close proximity with a DEREK unit ASAP!

Problem: This big creepy wolf-guy keeps trying to kidnap my STILES!  
Solution: This is DEREK's uncle PETER HALE. Fetch DEREK immediately - and possibly a few other werewolfy friends, as well. (LYDIA is a good substitution, as 1. PETER seems to like LYDIA, and 2. LYDIA will scare off ANYONE.)

Problem: DEREK keeps slamming STILES into things!! I'm worried about him being seriously damaged!  
Solution: Don't worry, DEREK is just flirting with STILES. He won't seriously damage his mate.

Problem: My STILES seems to have gained superpowers - he's almost flying around the room!  
Solution: You let him have coffee, didn't you. This is your own damn fault, and you'll just have to remember this the next time he requests coffee.

Problem: My STILES keeps complaining - loudly - about being sore.  
Solution: If a DEREK unit is nearby, ignore him; he's just trying to get some lovin'. If there is no DEREK unit nearby, then you should take him more seriously. Maybe suggest DEREK give STILES a massage.

Problem: DEREK refuses to let anyone near my STILES!  
Solution: Don't worry, this will sort itself out. STILES will not stand this for long. (There may be some yelling and pouting, however.)

Problem: My STILES seems to be rather mopey. I tried to suggest he do something with SCOTT, but he started pouting and ignored me for the rest of the day!  
Solution: SCOTT is most likely preoccupied with the ALLISON model. Try to cheer your STILES up by giving him a new video game or dumping some wolfy pheromones on him when DEREK is nearby!

Problem: My STILES unit won't stop cowering in the corner! What the hell happened?!  
Solution: He probably was just witness to a truly enraged LYDIA. Try sending in SCOTT/DEREK for some comfort if they were not also witness. If they were, try a puppy pile!

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our mailing address or email us at:  
wolfy-teens-r-us@yahoo.com

**Author's Note:**

> Does anyone think I should do more? I kinda wanna do more... (and not necessarily just for Teen Wolf)


End file.
